juicy gossip

Jennifer Aniston breaks wind.

Jennifer Aniston reportedly broke wind last Thursday shortly after completing an afternoon snack that may have included rice crackers and cottage cheese, leading to speculation that the highly visible television and film actress may break wind again at some point in the near or distant future. An unidentified companion who was observed dining with Jennifer Aniston at the time did not react visibly to the occurrence. Jennifer Aniston was unavailable for comment on this dramatic bombshell.

In a related development, Janet Jackson was observed entering a shoe store on Wednesday evening, apparently with the intention of purchasing some shoes. Janet Jackson is known to possess both a right foot and a left foot, each with a full complement of five toes. The size of Janet Jackson's feet has not been publicly disclosed, but sources close to the pop diva have dramatically indicated "they are pretty much average for a woman of her height". Janet Jackson was seen to emerge from the shoe store some minutes later, possibly carrying a bag bearing the logo of the store in question. Observers were unable to determine whether or not Jackson's visit to the shoe store resulted in the purchase of one or more shoes, or merely the purchase or possibly loan of the logo-imprinted bag.

In a related development, Angelina Jolie on Saturday reportedly disposed of an ice tray that had previously resided in the refrigerator of the Jolie residence in the general part of the world where Ms. Jolie resides. The ice tray was reportedly one of several owned by the widely-regarded actress. According to sources close to Ms. Jolie, "Angelina threw it away because there was a little crack in the plastic. You know, like sometimes happens when someone twists the ice tray too hard to try to get the ice out, if it's frozen really solid." Rumors are circulating that Angelina Jolie may at some point in the future either purchase or have purchased on her behalf a new ice tray to replace the broken one, but there is some doubt as to whether the rumors are fully founded. Ms. Jolie was unavailable for comment on this dramatic bombshell.

In a related development, actress and pop star Lindsay Lohan, who according to insider reports may have had nothing whatsoever to do with the damage to Angelina Jolie's ice tray, was seen Saturday evening entering a popular Los Angeles nightclub in the company of an entourage of apparent friends or acquaintances of Lindsay Lohan. According to several witnesses, Ms. Lohan exited the nightclub some time later and proceeded to her residence, where Ms. Lohan may have gone immediately to sleep, or, according to speculation, alternatively completed the LA Times crossword puzzle that she had commenced earlier in the week, using a recently sharpened No. 2 pencil purchased on her behalf by an associate from a popular stationary store in the area.

In a related development, Britney Spears on Sunday afternoon failed to fill her car with gasoline at a Pasadena, California Shell where, according to sources close to the filling station, she has never previously purchased fuel, prompting speculation that Ms. Spears may either no longer own a car, or may not have been in the immediate vicinity of the Pasadena Shell at the same time that her vehicle may have been running low on fuel, or may in fact not have been driving at all that day. Ms. Spears was unavailable for comment on this dramatic bombshell.

In a related development, scientists at Los Alamos National Laboratories announced Monday the successful testing of a new prototype satellite-connected portable ambient radiation nanoscope that can be used to efficiently monitor the minutiae of the private lives of celebrities and transmit that information instantaneously to a public starved for pointless and intrusive information regarding subjects that have an unquantifiably minute impact on their own lives. The information-starved public was unavailable for comment on this dramatic bombshell.

This is why I don't read celebrity gossip.

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
Los Angeles, June 12, 2009