a not too distant future?

Tactical Nuclear Weapons Approved for American Consumers

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
Washington, D.C., October 9, 2021

Marking what may be the final passage in a series of groundbreaking weapons bills, Congress yesterday signed into law the Homeowners Fission Liberty Bill (H.R. 9985: To totally actualize the second amendment rights of all Americans), permitting the legal possession and use of tactical nuclear weapons for hunting and personal protection. While tactical nukes have been previously permitted under certain special conditions, the Homeowners Fission Liberty Bill for the first time extends that right to all American citizens.

"We've been waiting for this one a long time," said Sally Ack-Ack, spokesman for the NWMDA (National Weapons of Mass Destruction Association, formerly known as the NRA). "The steps have been slow and incremental, but now, thanks to this judicious and far-sighted law, we can finally take full advantage of the Second Amendment rights guaranteed us under the United States Constitution. No longer will we have to become a convenience store owner or an elementary school teacher just to get our mitts on some of this tasty ordnance."

The Second Amendment referred to by Ms. Ack-Ack reads: "A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the People to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed." The amendment was intended by its drafters to ensure states the right to raise an armed force to protect against popular insurrection in the absence of a standing army such as the National Guard.

Given the continued presence of standing armies at both the state and national level, the amendment, which even the most cursory historical analysis proves was never intended to provide individuals with the right to own weapons outside of the context of a government-regulated militia, is justly considered largely irrelevant today.

The Homeowners Fission Liberty Bill for the first time allows private citizens to safely, securely vaporize intruders, squirrels or fish

"That's why this has been such an uphill climb," a delighted Ms. Ack-Ack said. "It's taken literally decades to get enough lawmakers to kind of ignore the first half of the amendment and just focus on the second half, but we've done it."

"Yippee," Ms. Ack-Ack added, tossing a legally-sanctioned live hand grenade in the air. Ms. Ack-Ack was unavailable for further comment.

Under intense pressure from organizations such as the NWMDA, the Republican-dominated Congress has successively enacted new laws and repealed restrictions on the individual possession and use of increasingly powerful weaponry over the past several decades.

These have included: the Screw Perforation law of 2009, which ruled that it was unconstitutional to prohibit incarcerated felons from carrying firearms while in prison; the Wide Open Arms law of 2012, which significantly broadened the definition of "arms" available for private use to include armor-piercing bullets, fully automatic weapons, flame throwers, howitzers, anti-tank weaponry, bunker-busters, land mines, plastic explosives and surface-to-air missiles, among others; the Bugs Don't Kill, People Do law of 2017, which further broadened the definition to include chemical and biological weapons for hunting and home protection; and finally the Homeowners Fission Liberty Bill, passed yesterday.

"We're obviously delighted with the passage of the Homeowners Fission Liberty Bill," said Lenny Fallaught, press spokesman for Lockheed Martin, a leading manufacturer of tactical nuclear weapons for both the military and consumers. "Not only does it further vindicate the rights of weapons enthusiasts around the nation, it also opens extensive new markets for our products."

Mr. Fallaught said Lockheed Martin hopes to sell up to 100,000 0.01-0.5 kiloton tactical nuclear weapons to American homeowners and hobbyists in the first year following the bill's passage.

"The only quibbles we have with the law as it stands now are the three-day waiting period, the cursory background check, and the yield restriction, which we find arbitrary and overly restrictive," Mr. Fallaught said. "The largest model we're allowed to sell won't do more than take out a couple of city blocks. That's really going to stick in the craw of some of the more gung-ho NWMDA members."

i wonder where they published this

Most Studies Find Nothing, Study Finds

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
Macon, Georgia, August 22, 2077

The most comprehensive study of studies ever attempted has conclusively determined that few, if any, studies ever actually determine anything. At least not conclusively. The study, commissioned by the International Association of Disillusioned Researchers, examined over 52,000 studies conducted in a wide range of disciplines over the past 50 years. The study's conclusion, that virtually all studies are meaningless, would threaten to threaten the study industry itself were it not for the fact that the study, according to its own conclusions, is itself meaningless.

“We’re both stunned and relieved by the results,” said Dr. Winthrop Pigbladder, D.D.S., who participated in the interdisciplinary study study. “On the one hand, our data proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that nothing whatsoever of substance is ever proved by studies of this kind. On the other hand, our study itself is a study of this kind. So where the hell does that leave us?”

Dr. Pigbladder, a philosopher-statistician-dentist who also dabbles in neo-classical picnicware and is, in the opinion of several colleagues who asked to remain anonymous, “complete shit at banjo”, led the groundbreaking study study together with a respected interdisciplinary team of researchers from several of the top institutes for studies in the United States. Over the course of nearly a decade, the team examined the data, methodologies and conclusions of a vast range of studiers across virtually the entire range of modern study-performing.

“Statistically, the chances of any particular study conclusively proving anything at all are no greater than the chance of a monkey hitting a particular conclusion scribbled on a whiteboard with a magnetic dart,” Dr. Pigbladder said. “And in the rare cases where a study actually does prove something, the chances of a new study disproving the same conclusion within one to two years are a good deal greater than, for example, the chance that the monkey will fondle itself in a manner deemed inappropriate in polite society, usually within three to five minutes. It doesn’t bother us, of course, but we’re pretty open-minded. You have to be, in the study industry.”

While the study industry is currently reeling from the shock of the dramatic findings, a counter-study seeking to conclusively prove the effectiveness of studies of this kind and commissioned by the Interdisciplinary Study Commissioning Institute is expected to render the International Association of Disillusioned Researchers study meaningless, probably within one to two years.

juicy gossip

Jennifer Aniston breaks wind.

Jennifer Aniston reportedly broke wind last Thursday shortly after completing an afternoon snack that may have included rice crackers and cottage cheese, leading to speculation that the highly visible television and film actress may break wind again at some point in the near or distant future. An unidentified companion who was observed dining with Jennifer Aniston at the time did not react visibly to the occurrence. Jennifer Aniston was unavailable for comment on this dramatic bombshell.

In a related development, Janet Jackson was observed entering a shoe store on Wednesday evening, apparently with the intention of purchasing some shoes. Janet Jackson is known to possess both a right foot and a left foot, each with a full complement of five toes. The size of Janet Jackson's feet has not been publicly disclosed, but sources close to the pop diva have dramatically indicated "they are pretty much average for a woman of her height". Janet Jackson was seen to emerge from the shoe store some minutes later, possibly carrying a bag bearing the logo of the store in question. Observers were unable to determine whether or not Jackson's visit to the shoe store resulted in the purchase of one or more shoes, or merely the purchase or possibly loan of the logo-imprinted bag.

In a related development, Angelina Jolie on Saturday reportedly disposed of an ice tray that had previously resided in the refrigerator of the Jolie residence in the general part of the world where Ms. Jolie resides. The ice tray was reportedly one of several owned by the widely-regarded actress. According to sources close to Ms. Jolie, "Angelina threw it away because there was a little crack in the plastic. You know, like sometimes happens when someone twists the ice tray too hard to try to get the ice out, if it's frozen really solid." Rumors are circulating that Angelina Jolie may at some point in the future either purchase or have purchased on her behalf a new ice tray to replace the broken one, but there is some doubt as to whether the rumors are fully founded. Ms. Jolie was unavailable for comment on this dramatic bombshell.

In a related development, actress and pop star Lindsay Lohan, who according to insider reports may have had nothing whatsoever to do with the damage to Angelina Jolie's ice tray, was seen Saturday evening entering a popular Los Angeles nightclub in the company of an entourage of apparent friends or acquaintances of Lindsay Lohan. According to several witnesses, Ms. Lohan exited the nightclub some time later and proceeded to her residence, where Ms. Lohan may have gone immediately to sleep, or, according to speculation, alternatively completed the LA Times crossword puzzle that she had commenced earlier in the week, using a recently sharpened No. 2 pencil purchased on her behalf by an associate from a popular stationary store in the area.

In a related development, Britney Spears on Sunday afternoon failed to fill her car with gasoline at a Pasadena, California Shell where, according to sources close to the filling station, she has never previously purchased fuel, prompting speculation that Ms. Spears may either no longer own a car, or may not have been in the immediate vicinity of the Pasadena Shell at the same time that her vehicle may have been running low on fuel, or may in fact not have been driving at all that day. Ms. Spears was unavailable for comment on this dramatic bombshell.

In a related development, scientists at Los Alamos National Laboratories announced Monday the successful testing of a new prototype satellite-connected portable ambient radiation nanoscope that can be used to efficiently monitor the minutiae of the private lives of celebrities and transmit that information instantaneously to a public starved for pointless and intrusive information regarding subjects that have an unquantifiably minute impact on their own lives. The information-starved public was unavailable for comment on this dramatic bombshell.

This is why I don't read celebrity gossip.

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
Los Angeles, June 12, 2009

COOKIES!!, nice tie, very small bridge

dartboard, me again, kitty chan

fall colours, big laugh, ecology and you

big balls, momo taro, fancy tomato dance

david beckham, what a handfull, yummy earplugs